how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
