plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
