duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
