ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
