Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
