Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
