I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
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In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon