Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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