i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
