DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
