You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
