I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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