im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
