That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
