i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
