if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
