You're my little dorito
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
