You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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