Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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