I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
