I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have fence marks all over my body
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
