Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
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Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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