I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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