There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
