note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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