Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
