I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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