How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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