Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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