I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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