I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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