That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
