i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
