i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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