in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
