we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
