I hope mine doesn't look like that
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
