youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
