What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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