I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
