If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
