sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
