Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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