I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
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I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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