Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
