I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
