do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
