Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
