maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
