i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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