My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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