we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
