1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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