the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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