Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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