your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
