My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My dick has a subreddit
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
