but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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